Frustration

Being rejected was something very difficult to accept. Even if you already got the idea why, it was still difficult to understand why it was not meant for us. We at times experience things that tend to give us hope, having faith on what we hold on to. Usually it gets exaggerated and made us to expect - when doing so is not healthy.

"Being unwanted wasn't exactly a new thing for me," a popular line from Leah Clearwater (Breaking Dawn Part 1, 2011). Hearing those words again makes me think that I wish I felt the same. That being rejected was fine for me, like it was nothing at all. By the time they told me this wasn't meant for me, it was like the whole world tried to push me down, deeper. I know that I did my best, prepared myself for almost everything but due to physical constraints - being a part of what I wanted to be is not going to happen.

I was an inch close to fulfilling my dreams. I thought that through this way, I can finally begin my life's career. Everything was already set up, prepared. What was lacking then is my actions, my decisions to putting everything in place. But I was never really close where no more space could occupy - even an inch. I told my self to be strong. I admit that I have a weak foundation to keeping my feelings, but I managed to stay strong and put my self into mind over matter. I kept my chin up. I tried to be a good sport. Fortunately, I was able to be strong, well for now, at least.

As I walked home, I realized that maybe this wasn't really meant for me. That if I walked away from this path, I  may have saved my self for some regret. I knew God has a better plan for me. For now, I still ask my self where should I head next? For all my plans were fixed to this point where I never thought of "plan B's". I thought that everything will be continuous. But I never realized the other side until I was already there. To compensate for my frustrations, I suddenly got my patience so short that I want everything in a hurry. It felt like I'm already running out of time. I couldn't wait more until I see and prove myself that I am still within the line of my plans. I could not keep myself to over think that I may be off track.


An opportunity doesn't last forever. It felt like I threw all those opportunities away when I stick to one plan. I should have taken all of them in and if by chance that this path I chose wasn't possible, still I have my back up. Honestly, my mind today is so narrow that I am not able to see the broader aspect of attaining my goals. And it really is stupid that I keep saying these things to myself yet I am not able to push myself into it. It's so frustrating.

As of today, I guess I am in a state of grieving. I have no idea which stage I am now but I know that by the end of the tunnel there is light, there will still be tomorrow and I hope 2012 isn't the end of the world yet. I still need more strength to stand up from my knees, so help me God.