Fantasy and Reality

The time flashed at the bottom of the screen of my PC says 2:33 am. It’s dawn, midmorning. By 5 am, my mom would start to wake up and prepare my brother for school.  My cousin who’s  been always beside me sleeps undisturbed, even with me goofing around, and with the light of my PC flashed to his face. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t imagine myself laying on bed, curling myself in my blanket. I couldn’t even feel the cold climate. I couldn’t even feel my eyes to start to drop. Things are running around through my mind right now and there’s only one way I could satisfy my mind about it – express it here.

Have you ever tried to observe yourself merging into something that you really don’t belong? Have you tried in your teen years, to fantasize something about you wish you were a part of? Like reading a book that you never thought you would be interested in; like watching a movie you didn’t expect you would get attached with. I saw myself once. I saw myself wishing that I was the main part, or maybe just a part of it. I couldn’t understand why but maybe it’s a teenage thing.

There was a part in my college days that we have to study and deal with psychological problems, not just problems but the normal things too. I remembered some basic parts. I analyzed it relating to what I thought about just about yesterday. Teenagers just wanted to enjoy their lives, right? I experienced it, just wanting to enjoy life, never knowing what lies ahead and what's the bigger world that's coming after this high school life. You would never realize what you really wanted until you started to see the world that lies ahead until you are matured and grown up.

I remember when I started to watch this Japanese anime again, the Japanese anime that I started to love when I was still younger than a teenager (It was actually "Fushigi Yuugi" or "Mysterious Play" in English). At first I wasn't able to understand it, it was like a mere anime to me. But when I started to watch it again during high school, I finally understood it. Well, it does take maturity to understand what you were really watching because I admit, the movies that I watched before when I was a kid,  I could only understand them when I watched it again today - we all do I guess. So this Japanese anime somehow became attached to me, like I never wanted it to be gone, fade. I want to preserve the CD copy that I have. I started to fantasize about it, wishing the story would never have to end. I also wished I was a part of it. I watched it the whole day, not bothering myself with my mom nagging about the TV screen being switched on for at least 24 hours. It felt like I fell in love with the story. I started to make my self dream about it, but it never happened - even once. It took me a while to just realize it now that you always wanted to be in a world of your own. A world that would never rain, where you could do all the things you want, have all the stuff that you want, create the things that you wanted it to be. It does feels sad that those things only existed in a dream. That when you open your eyes you saw yourself back to reality - the reality where you truly belong.

We wanted to stay in a place so peaceful, quiet. Where you can only see the mountain views, see yourself seated at a ground covered with green grass, feeling the air brush your skin. Maybe fantasy was made to make a person express himself beyond what reality can bring. Because extraordinary things sometimes makes other people happy especially to that of a child. Remember the imaginary friend? It what's keep us company. This blog is keeping me company for what I have in mind and it felt better to me. Fantasy was made to make you take yourself for a break, for a second to think, to pause for a while when reality is pushing you harder from what you could absorb at a time. Fantasy was there to keep you reminded you are strong, what you are capable of, and that the reality is messing with the wrong person. Fantasy keeps you away from distress, like a string attached to your hand when you are about to go somewhere else you can't see and keep you reminded where you were and where you could start again. I did underestimate it sometimes, and its one reason perhaps why I couldn't sleep.

Fantasy can be harmful to your reality, like a person suffering from insanity. I understand the facts medically. But relating to what I am talking about now, a person can suffer from it when he tries to avoid all the bad things that his/her reality has and kept him/herself into her own fantasy and never came back. If I may mention that string again, he/she might have cut it off just to avoid what reality was trying to bring and doesn't know his/her way back - where to start again - taking an ice cream cone for an instance (the "ice cream cone theory" of my previous instructor explaining about why insanity can grow out). Imagine an empty ice cream cone and that ice cream cone serves as the fantasy world, while the ice cream itself are the things you wanted to avoid from your reality. When you try to avoid things that you shouldn't, the ice cream melts, making its way inside the cone. You're fantasy started to work absorbing it for you, so you might be able to handle things better. Still, you resisted and avoided it more. When the ice cream became triple scoop, and there's no space for the ice cream to melt in, it would leak or somehow, melt your ice cream cone too. All those problems you have destroys the intactness of your sanity, mixing everything and confusing you. That's one reason why these people could hardly distinguish the real things from that is not. Because fantasy could not hold on much longer and couldn't solve anything but just absorb it as much as it can for you.

We all knew that problems never end. They just keep coming and coming. That's what the world of fantasy is avoiding - problems. Problems that you wouldn't like to carry along and think about. We all wanted to avoid it, but avoiding it makes it only worse. I was always afraid to face my problems and it would took me only the courage to do so because of my reality. In reality, my family is there. The friends I knew are there, even the one who holds my heart is there. The people that are close to me exist in reality. Where in my fantasy world, they wouldn't exist. Why? Because I created a world of my own, and a world of my own means me, myself and the only things that my mind wanted to exist. The movies and Japanese anime I watched, the book I read - those kind of things. Those stories have an ending, while my reality is continuous. It would never end because I choose paths to walk my steps into. And whatever paths I chose, another story begins. It just keeps on repeating itself without me getting tired of it. It would only end when God would take my life back. But who knows what is it like in the second life as they say? My story might continue again in that life. Tonight, I wanted to drag myself out from the fantasy my mind is trying to create again. But for a second I thought, I was in distress too. There's something that I have been missing, something that I have been longing for. I knew exactly what I wanted, and I know I missed him a lot...